


Dear Future Haru

by CassadyFlies



Category: Free!
Genre: Anxiety Attacks, Hallucinations, Letters, One Shot, Panic Attacks, Schizophrenia, Therapy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-27
Updated: 2014-09-27
Packaged: 2018-02-18 23:23:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,080
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2365796
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CassadyFlies/pseuds/CassadyFlies
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This is a self-indulgent one shot that is sort of makoharu-ish? </p>
<p>Haru writes a letter to his future self.</p>
<p>^^ The tags ^^</p>
            </blockquote>





	Dear Future Haru

I was supposed to write this letter about Makoto. I’m going to bury it I think? Do I have to read it again ever or… can I throw it in the ocean? I’ll take it way out away from shore, but if I have to read it again it would be best if it wasn’t wet. I don’t get this exercise. I think you wanted to know why it’s so important that we stay living together now that we’re adults. Oh, no, I’m not supposed to address this to you, Doctor, am I? You’re the one making me dictate this, I feel uncomfortable. Can I type? I’ll address it to myself. In the future.

 

Dear Future Haru,

You have amnesia so… I’m going to make my case for why you’re still living with Makoto. I don’t like arguing, but I think you’ll probably be on my side.

When we were kids, Makoto would stay over at my house all the time. It got to the point where I would often forget if he was with me or not. Sometimes I would forget to speak to him the entire visit. He never seemed to mind. Other times speaking was just unnecessary, he always seemed to guess what I was thinking before I said anything. When my parents moved out, I was basically left in the Tachibana’s care. I spent more time at their house than my own. Still, it was nice having a place to return to when I needed to be alone. Alone with Makoto still feels alone enough.

When I was sixteen, things started happening. I started waking up a lot at night. It didn’t really bother me; I usually just fell back asleep. When I couldn’t fall asleep, I would go take a bath and wait for the sun to come up. Makoto worried that I would fall asleep in the bathtub and drown. I never did, so he worried for nothing. This was back before Nagisa and Rin came back, so it was pretty much just the Tachibanas and me for a while. I swam a lot, and they swam with me sometimes. Things got worse with my sleeping after a while; I would wake up to the sound of people talking in my house when no one was there. I ignored it; their conversations weren’t of my concern or interest. Eventually the voices stopped, and that was good because I slept more solidly.

Things started happening again when I was seventeen. I don’t know why. Rin came back and so did Nagisa. Nagisa found Rei. I woke up to spiders on my pillow, but they weren’t really there. It was fine, they just startled me a little. Rei wore a rainbow swimsuit. I thought it was nice, and Nagisa liked it a lot, but Kou made him put it back. Makoto found a cat. I told him to leave it outside. I think he almost cried.

All of this is important for why I live with Makoto.

I turned eighteen, and things got stressful. I didn’t like that year very much. I liked swimming, but I’m glad the rest is over. I could feel the bugs crawling on me at night sometimes, and that’s when I told Makoto what had been happening. We were in the living room at my house watching some shoujo anime he liked. Nisekoi?  I told him after the show was over and it was time to go to bed.

He just sort of froze.

I hated the way his eyes looked; I wanted to put my hands over them so he wouldn’t look like that anymore. His face drained of color. There was a clock on the wall, and I watched it tick by two and a half minutes before he said anything.

“Really?”

That was a stupid question. He realized it.

“Are you okay?”

Obviously not. That’s why I told you.

“Are you sleeping?”

Not in 36 hours.

“Haru...”

I looked away. I hated his eyes. He took a couple steps toward me, but stopped short.

“You should see a-“

“No.” I looked back up at him. He asked why. I had reasons. Doctors give you medication to where you can’t feel anymore. I didn’t want to stop feeling things. We were leaving for Tokyo in a couple weeks. I didn’t want anything to jeopardize that. I had finally found a reason to live, to look towards the future- and it was already being crushed.

Makoto took out his phone and called his mom. “I’m staying at Haru’s tonight. No, it’s fine, we’re just a little swamped with schoolwork. Paperwork. College stuff. No, he’s fine. We wont. Love you too.”

He hung up and stared at me again. He smiled a little, and some of the color returned to his cheeks. “Let’s get ready for bed.”

I sat up in bed and listened to him fall asleep on the futon. At about 2 in the morning I stood up to go get a glass of water. When I came back he was awake, sitting up and staring around blearily. “Haru…” He drew out my name and struggled to free himself from the blankets.

“Here.”

“You didn’t go to sleep.” It wasn’t a question.

“No.”

Makoto stood up shakily and walked over to me, wrapping his arms around my shoulders. “I’m sorry.” I felt his breath hitch and he was crying. Awkwardly, I tried to hug him back. He pulled me with him to lie down in my bed. He curled up by my side like a giant dog and wrapped one arm around me.

“Makoto. You should go home.”

“What? Why?” He opened his eyes to stare at me some more.

I frowned in annoyance, “Because-“ Tch, he was really annoying sometimes. “Because you can’t sleep like this.”

“Why not?”

I sighed, and looked away from him, “I’m going to wake you up.”

I knew enough about what happened during the night to know that it would be cruel to keep Makoto here through it.

He sat up and looked down at me, contemplating. “One night.”

“What?” I sat up too.

“One night. Show me what it’s like for one night. Prove I shouldn’t call a doctor.”

He was challenging me?

“Makoto, leave.”

“No.”

“MAKOTO LEAVE.”

“No!”

“This is my house! Go home!”

This _is_ my home! Let me help you!”

I don’t know why; maybe because I hadn’t slept for so long, or maybe because I was fighting with Makoto again, but I broke down.

“I don’t _need_ your help, I don’t _need_ you to mother me!”

“Then why did you tell me all this?! How can I not!”

“I just-“ My voice broke. I was crying. “I just want you to tell me it’s okay!”

He got really quiet. “I wish I could.”

We lay back down in bed. This time I curled into him as well. I could feel his heart beating. I fell asleep.

I’m supposed to describe what it feels like to have a panic attack. It’s supposed to be therapeutic. I don’t really want to talk about it, but I’m going to. For the sake of my dignity, I slept through the night and that’s why Makoto lives with me now. But I’m going to tell the truth.

I woke up half an hour later. Makoto’s hand was on my chest and it felt like it weighed a thousand pounds. I pushed it off and sat up quickly. A spider swung down from the ceiling and narrowly missed landing on me. A beetle crawled up my leg, and ants swarmed my thighs. In the corner, a shadowy silhouette stood frowning at me for being so pathetic as to be scared by a few bugs. It was wrong. The bugs didn’t frighten me. I was terrified that the world was about to shatter. That the bugs that crawled on me were the only real sensation I was experiencing. Obviously that wasn’t true. But… I felt nauseous. I pulled my hair so hard I gave myself a headache, and I kept pulling. I tried to keep my body still, but I could feel my legs starting to seize up. I clamped a hand over my mouth both to stop myself from yelling, and to resist the urge to vomit. I swallowed hard and scanned the room for anything and anyone that could get me out of this.

No! I didn’t want him involved in this. I was trying to prove a point. I was fine on my own, I didn’t need to see anyone or tell anyone else about this.

He woke up anyway.

“Haru-chaaann…?” He reached out to the empty space where I had been sleeping. “Haru!”

I felt him wrap around me from behind. “Haru, it’s not real.”

That’s what I’m afraid of.

“It’ll be okay.” His voice was obnoxiously calm.

My body started shaking. The muscles in my neck and hands tightened and knotted. Shaking felt good. It felt like anxiety becoming physical rather than mental, which I could deal with. Colors swirled in front of my vision, and I mad an embarrassing whimpering noise in the back of my throat. I closed my right hand around my left wrist and squeezed as hard as I could. It hurt, and I almost smiled.

Makoto broke my grip, “You’re going to hurt yourself!” I felt myself laugh in my chest that I had shattered his calm.

“I know!” I screamed, voice cracking horribly.

“Stop!” Makoto cried.

“LET ME.” I wailed back before I went numb. Every emotion drained from my body at once, and I collapsed back on top of Makoto.

Everything was okay. The bugs were gone, I wasn’t going crazy, I didn’t even feel like throwing up anymore.

I was suddenly really tired. I mumbled a quick “sorry” into Makoto’s chest before I fell asleep.

This happened seven times throughout the night. At five in the morning, after getting about an hour of sleep total, we decided it was time to get up. I made coffee. We took baths. It was Saturday. I spent the day desperately avoiding his eyes. I hated that he had to see that. He didn’t go home all day. At noon we sat on the couch and watched TV. I fell asleep for twenty minutes.

Makoto felt it worse than I did. I was used to dealing with very little sleep. He swayed where he stood throughout the whole day.

He didn’t let me swim. He was afraid I’d fall asleep in the pool and drown. I was pissed. He was probably right, it had happened once in a river.

He stayed over the next night too. When his parents insisted he return home, he took me with him. We started spending about 50 % of our nights in the same house.

We moved to Tokyo, and had different apartments. It was supposed to be good for us, to be apart for a while. Makoto hated it. He had never stayed alone in a house his entire life. For both of our sakes, we moved in together after the six-month lease was up.

It’s easier when he’s there. He can hold on to me and make me feel okay. I don’t really know why he stays.

Do I have to ever read this letter again? It’s really embarrassing. Can’t I just type still? Why not? It’s just recording my voice anyway. I don’t want to say anymore out loud. I don’t want to burn it. I want to drown it. I’m going swimming after this. No, don’t send it to my place, I’m not going there. Can you just print it here? I have my swimsuit. I’m wearing it. I don’t want to talk anymore about it, can I leave? I need you to stamp my paper so I can show the hospital. I’m going to type the last line.

I wrote this letter to explain why I’m still living with Makoto. I don’t think I did a good job. I didn’t make an argument for why I’m not dependent on him, except that I don’t think I am. Also, I don’t think it matters. Everything’s a little bit better this way, so why do you care? I think it’s fine, so I’m not going to change it. That’s all I have to say. I’m going to drown this letter anyway. I’m going to watch you delete it from your hardrive

            That’s it, Future Haru.

                        -Nanase Haruka (Present)


End file.
